Pain of Love

I died a little bit over a month ago. Last week I committed suicide. I’m still here, but it’s all a result of other people. I died, but it was other people who brought me back. Its wanting to see her face one more time that raises me from the dead. It’s the memory my friends and loved ones have of me that keeps my in this world. I know I’m dead, but they won’t let me disappear. Its true what they say your alive until the memory people have of you fades. Well, their memory is vivid and strong, which is why they see me, why they talk to me and laugh with me. Its because they want me there. And its her it’s the smell of her hair, the feel of her skin, the sparkle in her eyes...I yearn to see them so much, that I can’t die. Its that hope that I will one day feel her warmth against me and her lips moist against mine, that keeps my body from decaying. But I died...I felt it...I can remember it as if it just happened. No one believes me...but I know I died...I remember my funeral. I remember her being there...I remember her crying, crying for me...go figure, I thought she didn’t care. And it was her tears, it was her tears falling upon my casket that brought me back...that turned back time and took me back to the moment I died...and changed things. But I woke up to a different world...the cost of my life was her love. If I was to live...I was to live without her. Then why live? Why live when love has abandoned you? A few weeks later, after I died...I committed suicide. I felt it, I remember it...I remember gashing open my wrists in the shape of a star...I remember the blood flooding my room...I remember the knife falling from my hands...I remember my lifeless body lying in a large dark puddle of blood...I remember dying all over again...but it brought me back...a kiss from her brought me back...she kissed my pale dead face, and cried on me again...and here I am...she brought me back to life again...and well...like so...her love was the cost. When I die, she loves me...when I live, she doesn’t...oh the dilemma. Either way I can’t have her...so why not just die and avoid the suffering? Because its precisely the suffering that keeps my heart beating...its pain that holds me alive...and living purely off pain, is the worst way to live. But, like a friend of mine once said...pain is bittersweet, specially pain of the heart and soul.
I don’t know...I see many people in love...letting there loved ones go, because the want them to be happy. I don’t want her to be happy...I don’t want her to happy with anyone else but me...I want her to feel what I feel...I want her to know what she’s done to me...because she deserves it...its because I love her so much and so deeply that I wish this for her...I love her with such passion that I want her to feel my pain...I want her to understand why I feel like I feel...and the only way she can truly see that...is feeling it too. I want her to be happy, but I want her to happy with me, where we can both live together, happy. I’d give my life for her, I would, I would surrender my soul for her peace...but I don’t want to give my happiness for hers...its just not fair, I don’t deserve this. All throughout our love, I was inconditional, I loved her no matter what...
When did loving a person with all your heart stop being enough? I always thought that all a person really wanted was someone that loved her incondicionally...and that’s what I did, I loved her no matter what, I loved her flaws as much as her virtues...but that wasn’t enough for her...she needed someone with dumb, useless characteristics...she needed someone perfect, flawless...fine, go look for him...you’ll be quite disappointed when you never find him...and you’ll feel horrible when you finally realize that you turned down the person who loved you at such extent, he rose from death to be with you... You will regret this...be it now or thirty years from now...you will regret it...you did with me what you've done with all the others, only you did it worse with me...it pains me to know you will end up being a very bitter, sad and lonely person, its not what I want for you, but its what you deserve if you don't change you're ways. You deserve a broken heart, for once...for all the others you've broken...
But know this, my sweet, sweet Adriana, my precious girl...I will always love you...I will always be here for you, no matter what...
  • Current Music
    The Cure - Love Song

Sex-ed Seminar

So, I'm at the Uni, at this sex-ed seminar, and the topic is HIV-Aids. What was being talked about most was forms of transmission, myths about the disease, etc. Suddenly, some 30 year-old bloke stands up and asks: "Ummm, can you get Aids from ingesting feaces?"

An amazingly uncomfortable silence swept throught the room.
  • Current Music
    King Diamond - Abigail

(no subject)

Something's been pissing me off lately, everytime I go outside my house. Fuck, have piercings become popular. I dunno, I'm totally cool with piercings (obviously I must be, otherwise I wouldn't have any), but I think that most people that wear piercings nowadays are complete and absolute wankers. No, really, they all fucking suck. Ooooo, look at me, I shoved a piece of metal through my eyebrow! How cool and brave am I? Fuck You! Wanker, you're all mouth and no trousers...I'm talking about these assholes that go around bragging about some lame fucking piercing they got on some part of their body that doesn't even hurt much; bragging about how this little piece of metal through their nostril is a big spiritual revolution for them, because it elevates them to a higher self or some crap. What a load of absolute shite! You got your fucking piercing because you thought it would make you cooler and make you more attractive, you acneful minger! I personally think that if you don't have the bollocks enough to pierce something that really hurts, like your wang, then you shouldn't get any piercings. I'm not saying that every bloke should pierce their wang, no, but if they're gonna pierce anything, at least the should have the bollocks to pierce their wang, or their guiche or something. Its ok to pierce anything you fucking want, but don't go around bragging about how painful it was or how it was some spiritual revolution. I mean, fuck, if you want to decorate your ears, go ahead, its your fucking body...but don't fucking do it because EVERYONE else is getting them or because you want to get more girls or some lame excuse like that.

Bragging about a piercing is way too fucking stupid, since almost everyone nowadays has some kind of piercing. It happened to this bloke that was going around mentioning how cool he was because he pierced his eyebrow. He comes up to me and shoves it in my face. I call him a weak fucking cunt and whip out my penis with a 6gauge prince albert on it. He shuts the fuck up. And its not just piercings, you shouldn't brag about anything, especially not about how fucking hardcore you are, because there will ALWAYS be someone more hardcore that you. This "hardcore" punk, Dave, goes around bragging about how he likes to fist car windows, and does so. Immediatley, these REAL hardcore lad, Moncho, comes up, and slams his own face into the windshield, breaking it. He looks at us and has pieces of glass in his eyes and looks like someone passed a cheese grater over it. Dave just shuts the fuck up.

Trying to be hardcore is just completely fucking stupid. I know I'm not hardcore at all, so I won't even pretend. Maybe, that's why I just can't get why anyone would wan't to pretend to be hardcore. Blokes that go around doing shit to shock everyone like letting other blokes kick them in the jewels, saying "Oh yeah, didn't hurt a bit"...and then they crawl over to the bathroom and scream for three hours. Why? Why would anyone want to do that? Its just stupid. I mean, there are some lads out there that are really fucked up and actually love things that are painful and disgusting and scarring, but let them do there stuff and go back to your lame day-job.

I think I just don't understand anyone who pretends to be anything. I mean, I guess there is always an age where we (specially us blokes) are posing at something. I know that when I was 14, I was trying to be way too goth. Listening to nothing but Sisters and Siouxie all day long, dressing only in black, talking to no one, being depressed all day long. Then one day I realized I was just being an asshole and overacting way too much. I guess you mature and realize that you don't have to act for anyone and you CAN just be your fucking self...and people STILL won't give a sheep's tit about it. But its painful to see 26-year olds acting like 14-year olds....grow up you silly shit-eating wankers!
  • Current Music
    Oomph - Augen auf

Misfits

Fuck yes...this wednesday I saw one of my favorite band of all times, the legendary Misfits, which was a actually quite a line-up: Jerry Only, an original misfit and the driving force behind the band for the last 26 years; Dez Cadena, original guitarrist for hardcorepunk band Black Flag who joined the misfits around three years ago; and Marky Ramone, who really needs no description.

I had bought the ticket three weeks ago as soon as they came out; I also arrived at the venue, The Planet, earlier than anyone else (10am) and was the first person in line. About an hour later some girls arrived and I asked them to hold my place for me while i went down to get some tacos. It was quite funny walking around this conservative country (Costa Rica) dressed up like a misfit fiend, with very heavy skull-face makeup at 11:00am in the morning; one woman even pulled away her daughter as I passed by; but what can I say, I'm a gothy-type, I'm used to it. So, I went back the line and retook my place in front. Some time later a car with someone inside came out as I saw Dez Cadena approach us and say "Hey guys, how ya doing?". Wow. A few moments later, Marky Ramone to whom I ran to and got an autograph.

Anyway, I waited up to 6:30pm till they let us in. I was all the way in the front and the opening bands started. Two punk bands and to hardcore bands. The last two had nothing to do had nothing to do there, since misfits is 1)punk 2)horror-punk, they don't stand up for all that anarchy and social revolution stuff that punks go around "fighting" for. In my opinion, Misfits should actually appeal more to goths than to punks due to the nature of their music: b-movies, horror films, halloween, all things dark and spooky from a comic approach. Horror-punks where sort of a predecessor to the goth...SO, I have no idea why the hell a bunch of those skinheads I hate so much (and so does Jerry as he's said in many interviews) where at the gig and where being fucking wankers punching and kicking everyone that was just trying to have a good time. Bastards, this other one was either coked or cracked up and was just being a fucking nag, he even starting pissing on people. God, they always fuck things up. At one moment, two skinheads decided to launch another smaller skinhead in the air towards the people in front and his fucking boot landed on my face ripping my lip open. SO, now I had a bloody lip for the rest of the concert, thanks to fucking skinheads. Sometimes I wish i could just grab one and feed him his own bollocks...unfortunenately, this idiots travel in packs and will never be alone enough for you to get a hold of one. The thing is that I was taller the most of them, but they were just too many.

Yet...I had my moment. A much larger skinhead decided he was going to run towards me and slam me or something. What he didn't know was that I play rugby, or used to anyway, and I can very easily tackle guys twice as tall and heavier than me. So he charges at me like a viking or something and I just grabbed him by the waist and swung him around launching him about 3 meters from where we where standing. A loud thud was heard as his big fat empty head hit the concrete floor. He got back up and decided to charge at me again. So this time I speared him and he landed flat on his back, again hitting his head. But this time he didn't charge anymore, he just went away.

Just about at that moment, I thought I was dead. I had just hit a skinhead....fortunately, that act prolly got me some respect. Lets hope...otherwise nextime skinheads see me I'll have to get a new face.

The rest of the gig went great, I think I was the only true fiend there though. They played 25 songs till Jerry couldn't anymore cause he had hurt his back. They also played some Ramones songs (sedated, pet cemetary, blitzkrieg bop, kkk took my baby away) and some Black Flag Songs (Nervous Breakdown, my war). Once the gig had finished, Dez went out to sign some autographs and I was there. I even gave him a nice big hug and I could leave happy now covered in Dez Cadena's sweat.
  • Current Music
    Misfits - Monster Mash

Skinheads part Deux

Blimey...a month and a half offline...stupid cable modem just decided to explode one day; but I have a new one now and all is well....well....not actually. I've been having some trouble with those dastardly bald-headed scullywags again. So happens that way back, on Halloween, the very small yet amusing gothic scene down here in Costa Rica decided to have a Halloween Bash at, well, the Bash Club (somehow everything we do down here thats any good goes on at the Bash Club). So the party was great, all the alky you wanted, all night long, with a few goth rock, death rock, trip hop and industrial bands as well as the country's leading goth DJ's...all this for the humble price of 7quid or so. Everyone was having so much fun, dancing and drinking and looking all goffick, and to our surprise, a lot of non-goths came in as well...Fucking ace!!! We also had a few laughs as the lead singer from this pseudo-industrial band, Stalag, was pretty loaded up on E and acid...he started having a conversation about german philosophy with his lager...to give you an idea.

Anyway, to get to the point...right around the end of the whole shindig...around 2am or so...the fucking skinheads show up with aluminum basball bats and....eeek...guns. Now, we knew they didn't like us, and we knew they would probably show up and throw cans at us or sommat...but we would never think they would shoot at us...and shoot they did.

Tav, one of the organizers of the event, locked up the doors and kept everyone in so no one would get hurt. Well, he're the kick to the story...also around, were some Jamaican dealers doing some business nearby...when they saw white baldies with suspenders and boots, shooting guns in the street...they immediatly thought they were being attacked by nazi skinheads (let me remind you these are the anti-nazi skinheads here), and started shooting back. Oh, to make the situation worse, the only goth they managed to beat up, was this black dude called Clarence. Soon, this whole war exploded between them and three skinheads got seriously injured...while we the gofficks were safely inside the club. Ha! serves them right, those bastards...I guess we're going to have to keep organizing our parties close to Jamaican crack dealers!

Well, since then, I haven't heard of any more skinhead attacks with firearms, just baseball bats and sticks with nails in em...*sigh*...I guess progress is a slow process.

PS: if some of my stories sound to good to be true...well, they're not...I swear on my cockring.
  • Current Music
    Aphex Twin - Windowlicker

Fucking Skins

What could possibly ruin a perfectly nice evening of slamming and kicking around at a punk and ska gig? Yep..you guessed it...Fucking Skins. A don't have anything against REAL skinheads, you know the Skinheads against racial oppression who have a strong philosophy they REALLY stand for, and are very tolerant people. But then there's the other skinheads (not the nazi ones) the poseur skinheads...the ones who'll smash your face just for not being bald (I guess they envy my set of hair), or simply for being at the same time and place as them. Meh...wankers, I've seen them do some really uncalled-for shite...once, this big one called Ivan took a little stray puppy and started petting it, and talking to it...how nice I thought...but then the fucking psycho threw it in the air and kicked it, like a goalkeeper kick...what kind of human crock of shit does a thing like that, to a poor little puppy? Well, that just gives you an idea of the kind of human waste these people are. But the worst part, is that they always brag about how anti-facist and pro-tolerance they are, and how they would kill a nazi if he were to show up.

Anyway, back to the story...I attend this nice little punk and ska gig going on at the Bash Club, I dress a moderately gothy outift, trying not to draw too much attention, since there has been an anti-gothiness going on with the same skinheads I talked about earlier. So, I get me groove on with the first three bands (no goth today, only kick-ass punk, non of that skater-crap) I join the slam and get a kicked around a little...the punks are quite amused with seeing a goth slamming all happy and such so they pick me up and put me on the stage and signal me to dive...fack yeh...So there I am, having lotsa fun with the punks, when all of a sudden...there they arrive, with their shiny bald heads, to break up all the fun. I didn't see them come and was shouting "Oi!" plenty with the rest of the punks. Here in this country, Skins, THOSE skins think they have a copyright over the word "oi"...and think only they have permission to use it. Anyone else says Oi!, they're gonna get a beating.

Ok....what the fuck is up with that? No one can say "oi"? I mean...what about jewish old men? They say Oi all the time! I mean...its just Oi....its not like calling someone a Nigger or something...its not a derogative word or an insult...its just Oi!!!! Its a bloody shout of punkoid excitement!

So...they heard me say oi....and up to me they come: "Hey Goth...did you just say what I think you said?"

"Oi?...yeah, I said Oi!....about 30 times today"

"You little bitch, I should fucking break you"

"Fuck off, I'm just having fun"

"well now its our turn to have fun"

"Go suckle your sisters tits"

And it was about that time when this very, very, very large mohican-headed punk stood between us and tells the skin: "No one touches the gothy-dude, he's with me"

Fucking ace...saved by the punk.

PS: Like I said, I know what skinheads are and I know what they stand for, and I have a great deal of respect for them...but its these poseur skins who think about nothing but bashing people that deserve to get anal infections.
  • Current Music
    - Thoughts of A Dying Atheist

Prince Albert

The lastest thing I've got on my mind: jamming a piece of metal through my wang. Silly? of course not, I already have a frenum piercing, which hurt alot, got very swollen, and doesn't look half as good as a Prince Albert would. So I'm removing the frenum to get the PA, which also doesn't hurt as much and heals amazingly quickly. Its also an ace sexual stimulant, for both sexes, making me very popular :) But...you know, its a piercing that goes into your fucking willy...no matter how much Cortes (the piercer, who's traveled with the Jim Rose Circus before) reassures me that he's done this thousands of times, its a piece of metal that goes into my piss-hole and out the front of my wang. Sounds scary, but its nothing out of this world. Still, its metal, through my wang. There's always the usual worries: what if it gets infected, what if it tears it up, what if I can't get a woody later, what if my willy falls off, etc. The chances of even infection are actually slim, because urine sterilizes de wound daily. But, I could always be the unlucky bastard that gets the infection. I should stop being such a pesimist, but its for us pesimists that the world works better: things never turn out to be quite as fucked up as you expect them to. Now my concern isn't even the pain of the piercing, I'm past that (I was circumsized at 10), its the risk of anything getting infected. If there's one place i don't want an infection, its down there, but I want this piercing so badly that I wouldn't mind taking the risk (which is very slim by the way), but on the other hand, I don't want me mum and dad to find out I pierced my wang, and I especially don't want them to find out because something went wrong, I would be fucking disowned and I just couldn't stand the fucking lecture afterwards: what are you, crazy? you sick little wanker! I thought you were a smarter person! I always told you not to get anything pierced, and now that little pubic hair you call penis is going to fall off! Yet another point to take in consideration.

Hopefully in a month or two i'll be able to clear myself of doubt and say never mind the bollocks, I'm getting this done. Its kind of personal ritualistic thing, you know, I'll feel godlike after I get this done (similar feeling some guys have when they get an ampallang done, but I don't think I'll ever go that far). Cheers people

Anyway, fuck it, fuck the risks, never mind bollocks, I'm getting this piercing done. I
  • Current Music
    Siouxie & The Banshies - Hippie chick

Bowling for Columbine

I just finished watching the fillem Bowling for Columbine, a documentary by Michael Moore that deals with finding why the United States is such a violent nation. The film is basically Moore himself going here and there with a cameraman, interviewing different people form different places, and a melody of different historic scenes, videos from the Nation Rifle Association gun rallys, etc. Its an amazing film and it exposes everything thats wrong with that country and its inhabitants. 1) They think everyone hates and wants to kill them (well, they might not be so wrong), therefore they invest heavily into buying weapons to "protect themselves". This is at least the case with southern and midwestern average white-folk. 2) American media focuses exclusively on everything that is violent, grotesque, shocking, evil, more violent and even more shocking. Moore makes a clear comparison between the eveing news in Toronto and the evening news in Detroit. Also, while the crime rate in the US decreases, media coverage of crime increases up to 600% each year. That is troubling. Americans blame rock music and a violent history for this. Violent History? 11,560 americans were shot and killed by other americans in 2001, while across the seas, in UK, who clearly has a much more fucked up and violent history than bloody america, had only 39 such cases. Germany, with all the Nazi thing and such in their history, only had a couple of hundred cases. The film exposes a lot of interesting facts that might just make right-wing conservative gun-lover republcians think twice about their social policies.

I guess in the end one comes to a great deal of conclusions (including the conclusion that Marylin Manson is quite a serious and intelligent lad) that might influence the way many of us see things around us. For one, I bloody happy I'm not living in the United States, nor will I even consider going to live there. Secondly, living in Costa Rica (where culture seems to want to be like America) I've noticed that american influence reflects also in crime rates, because in all the countries where there is an urge to be like america, we have the gun issue, the crime problem, and all that other shite. But the biggest conclusion to which I came to, is that this violent american attitude has a lot to do with ignorance. A large majority of the american people are ignorant fucks, no matter how educated they may be. Watch the bloody fillem and you'll see what I mean. I think that everyone, american, brit, african, asian, everyone should see this film, but more specifically, Americans, and even more specifically, republicans.
  • Current Music
    Heroes del Silencio - Entre Dos Tierras

(no subject)

Bloody Hell, its been about over four months since I last posted anything. Mostly due to technical problems with my pooter, that went to shite after the motherboard happened to toast just like that. Bleh, i hate em, wouldn't life be ace is we had no pooters and fun meant banging some sticks together and chasing pigs around and about? Anyway, soon enough I'll be posting lovely things about my wonderful life in this tropical HELL I happen to be living in. Right now we don't even have that sweldering heat wave and that laser-burning sun, rather we have lots and lots of rain, so much I can't peek out the window without getting my knickers soaked. I for one say, the tropics are overrated. Its not the paradise you see in travel 'zines, its the kind of place Thomas Moore described: Wild evil jungle filled with eviler beasts and heat, and stench, etc, etc. Well, at least Costa Rica has its nice things here and there, but this place is not for me.
  • Current Music
    Fields Of The Nephilim - From The Fire

The Goth Dialogues (at party) and The Goth Commandments

Note: The following has been slightly dramatized, but just a little!

Me: (dancing to some LAM and smiling...because I'm happy)
Some Goth: Why are you smiling?
Me: Errrr, because I'm having a good time, duh.
The Goth: I thought you were a goth
Me: (starts to look puzzled) Yeah, and?
The Goth: How can you be a goth and so jovial at the same time?
Me: WTF?
The Goth: yeah, you pretend to be goth and your all cheery and smiley.
Me: Excuse me?
The Goth: What has the world come to? Now we have happy goths!
Me: Heh?
The Goth: Next thing you know we'll have goths telling jokes!
Me: (at this point, I'm am utterly and completely confused)
The Goth: Fucking wannabe, I bet you don't even hang out at cemeteries.
Me: ummm, only at pretty ones.
The Goth: Pretty? Ughhh, god
Me: Fuck off, your bothering me
The Goth: No, you fuck off! This is a "goth" party!
Me: Oh shit, really? I better get the hell out of here then! I was sure I heard this was a Happy Party. Yeah...your right, I'm totally out of sync here, I'm not crying or cutting myself, and I'm not sitting in a corner moping about what a fucking loser I am and why I want to die...right, I'm not a goth, and I shouldn't be here.
The Goth: (stares blankly)
Me: so, if I want to become a Goth, do I have to fill out some kind of form, or something?
The Goth: you can't "become" a goth...being goth comes in your blood, your born with it...sorry.
Me: (tries to keep from laughing) So, My mum has to be a vampire or something?
The Goth: Its just innate, you have it or you don't
Me: it?
The Goth: Being goth
Me: Listen, there is a very pretty girl waiting for me over there...I'm probably getting laid tonight, uhhh, you can go back to thinking of ways to kill yourself, I won't take anymore time from you.
The Goth: You're fucking pitiful
Me: (Really? me?) yeah, ok (walks away)

Beware, they are out there...the Evil/Sad/Suicidal/Satan/Killer/Homicidal/Death Goths!
They will stalk until you are convinced that gothdom is composed of being a fucking sad loser that never smiles and nobody likes! Apparently they have written the Goth Ten Commandments:
1)Never Smile, or you die
2)Never tell jokes, or you die
3)Cry periodically
4)Be a loser
5)Bother people who are happy (or seem to be) just because you are a sad wanker that has nothing better to do.
6)Commit Suicide at least once in your life
7)Try to look as evil and mischievous as possible
8)Never wear anything that isn't black
9)Never Dance (a REAL goth, doesn't dance, dancing is for happy people)
and finally...
10)Marylin Manson is the one and only Goth Messiah

*laugh uncontrollably*
  • Current Music
    Chaotic Disorder - Hey Goth, Fuck off!